We are increasingly a culture that values monologues over dialogue, and we're all worse off because of it. Be open to a conversation, rather than just a rant.
I just finished reading "The Next Conversation, Argue Less, Talk More" by Jefferson Fisher. He gives thoughtful advice for handling these and many more type of interactions. Highly recommended.
I wonder if this is a cultural shift driven by how we interact with people online? As if we have forgotten that there is a human at the other end. For sure it has become refreshing and sometimes absolutely amazing when you interact with a stranger online and they are being authentic. People seem to loose their authentic self when behind a keyboard. I have been intentionally trying not to let this happen to me. Before I engage with a stranger online or over the phone I check myself. What do I hope to achieve here? What is my intention? This little moment of reflection often does bring nice surprises since the other human on the line is so accustomed to being abused.
Beautifully said. Even in your reflections on the interaction (or lack of) you bring humanity. A great demonstration of meeting someone with empathy and accountability.
Once again you have concisely captured a growing social phenomenon! For centuries (probably) humans have fallen into the trap of thinking other people’s ineffective actions are always the result of a personal character fault, yet our own ineffective actions are the result of an external factor.
The new part is that we get to have exchanges driven by this error in thinking via written text that is often heavily edited to fit our version of events - something that is much harder to do in real time, face to face. We get to hone the stories we tell ourselves while sitting miles away from the other person and hidden behind a perfect blind - they’ll never see it coming!
I think this trend is more than a mere quirk of human behavior amplified by technology. It is the undoing of society. Much bigger solutions will be needed to get us out of this trap. Solutions that begin in parenting and continue into education and employment.
Thanks for your thoughts. As always. Using your own guidance, dont assume the worst. In not acknowledging it may be that nothing more happened than distraction. I agree that screen comms seems blunt and rude. And odd. Kids in the same class as each other will message unkindly to someone sitting close by! And as you said you have 100s of readers. Your sample size may not be wide enough to draw conclusions except when you are hurt.
Thanks Harriet, I really appreciate the thoughtful note. I agree with your point on sample size and take that in stride. That said, I don't believe I'm assuming the worst. I'm simply noting that neither person responded in the moment or even weeks later, which stood out to me and feels like part of a broader trend.
On judgment, I try to separate interpreting intent, which can be risky, from observing behavior. I think it's fair to reflect on what silence might communicate.
Sometimes I think we are doomed when I see people interacting with other's. Texting, talking (to name a few) on the phone when interacting with someone directly. Really rude to not give some the attention they are giving you. And totally have been on the receiving end of the customer service emails, it's 50/50 if you can actually help people. It's a fire and forget when you get the rant of how they were done wrong. Sometimes they do really appreciate it, sometimes it's like talking to a brick. Grateful you posted this topic!
A lovely topic Robert. I have seen a growing trend of people being able to execute wonderful drive-by critiques, as you refer to them, but are incapable of managing an honest, in-person discussion with someone. It is far easier when you can push send and then ghost if your perspective was wrong. As a culture, we need to continue practicing critical skills and use the tools becoming available to improve our skills, not dilute or replace them. "It costs nothing to be kind" & "Assume your message is printed as today's headline news, would you feel good about yourself?" are two quotes which often come to mind and the suggestion of pausing for 24 hours before sending a tough message is a great one, it does help. Thanks for the thoughtful articles.
Seems the root cultural shift is growing DIStraction vs. Traction throughout the day. Posting a half-thought out complaint is a “something shiny” warm distraction disguised as an accomplishment. What used to be noise in signal has become the signal.
All noise all the time. I appreciate how Friday Forward is thoughtful signal with no noise.
I completely agree with you. Curiously, I referred to your Epictetus quote in my book! There is a lack of common courtesy everywhere. It is actually a welcome surprise when we see it but it should not be regarded as a rarity or some peculiar anachronism.
I like your post in general. But I have to say that every time I go to substack to modify a subscription I hunt around for several minutes looking for where to do it. Most of the time I end up re-googling how to do it. They actually don't make it easy.
And while I do lament the things you discuss (no excuse for rudeness to an individual writer) I think people are frustrated because every time they log into email there's hundreds of messages from people who want their money. Auto renewals of information and products have grown exponentially, sometimes get buried or go into spam. I put renewals on my calendar but still get caught so often that I've started avoiding subscriptions at all.
I like the article and recognize a lot. I think the difficulty with on-line communication is that it is difficult to really understand the intend or context. Of course this can be found by asking open questions as a reply. Just to ensure the actual first question or statement is fully understood. Even better to reply with a phonecall if possible.
Writing a furious reply only gives seconds of statisfaction and I have learnt the hard way to not hit the send button but have a night sleep over it. This has resulted in not sending the reply in almost 100% of the cases but take a more appropriate action.
Btw, I have used the quote often with my children😉
I just finished reading "The Next Conversation, Argue Less, Talk More" by Jefferson Fisher. He gives thoughtful advice for handling these and many more type of interactions. Highly recommended.
What's your review about that book? :)
I wonder if this is a cultural shift driven by how we interact with people online? As if we have forgotten that there is a human at the other end. For sure it has become refreshing and sometimes absolutely amazing when you interact with a stranger online and they are being authentic. People seem to loose their authentic self when behind a keyboard. I have been intentionally trying not to let this happen to me. Before I engage with a stranger online or over the phone I check myself. What do I hope to achieve here? What is my intention? This little moment of reflection often does bring nice surprises since the other human on the line is so accustomed to being abused.
Beautifully said. Even in your reflections on the interaction (or lack of) you bring humanity. A great demonstration of meeting someone with empathy and accountability.
Once again you have concisely captured a growing social phenomenon! For centuries (probably) humans have fallen into the trap of thinking other people’s ineffective actions are always the result of a personal character fault, yet our own ineffective actions are the result of an external factor.
The new part is that we get to have exchanges driven by this error in thinking via written text that is often heavily edited to fit our version of events - something that is much harder to do in real time, face to face. We get to hone the stories we tell ourselves while sitting miles away from the other person and hidden behind a perfect blind - they’ll never see it coming!
I think this trend is more than a mere quirk of human behavior amplified by technology. It is the undoing of society. Much bigger solutions will be needed to get us out of this trap. Solutions that begin in parenting and continue into education and employment.
An excellent and thoughtful post - thank you
Thank you! I appreciate your posts and perspective. Well said.
fine words
Amen, Brother!! :-)
Thanks for your thoughts. As always. Using your own guidance, dont assume the worst. In not acknowledging it may be that nothing more happened than distraction. I agree that screen comms seems blunt and rude. And odd. Kids in the same class as each other will message unkindly to someone sitting close by! And as you said you have 100s of readers. Your sample size may not be wide enough to draw conclusions except when you are hurt.
Thanks Harriet, I really appreciate the thoughtful note. I agree with your point on sample size and take that in stride. That said, I don't believe I'm assuming the worst. I'm simply noting that neither person responded in the moment or even weeks later, which stood out to me and feels like part of a broader trend.
On judgment, I try to separate interpreting intent, which can be risky, from observing behavior. I think it's fair to reflect on what silence might communicate.
Appreciate the engagement as always.
Sometimes I think we are doomed when I see people interacting with other's. Texting, talking (to name a few) on the phone when interacting with someone directly. Really rude to not give some the attention they are giving you. And totally have been on the receiving end of the customer service emails, it's 50/50 if you can actually help people. It's a fire and forget when you get the rant of how they were done wrong. Sometimes they do really appreciate it, sometimes it's like talking to a brick. Grateful you posted this topic!
A lovely topic Robert. I have seen a growing trend of people being able to execute wonderful drive-by critiques, as you refer to them, but are incapable of managing an honest, in-person discussion with someone. It is far easier when you can push send and then ghost if your perspective was wrong. As a culture, we need to continue practicing critical skills and use the tools becoming available to improve our skills, not dilute or replace them. "It costs nothing to be kind" & "Assume your message is printed as today's headline news, would you feel good about yourself?" are two quotes which often come to mind and the suggestion of pausing for 24 hours before sending a tough message is a great one, it does help. Thanks for the thoughtful articles.
Thanks for the transparency and thoughtful advice.
Seems the root cultural shift is growing DIStraction vs. Traction throughout the day. Posting a half-thought out complaint is a “something shiny” warm distraction disguised as an accomplishment. What used to be noise in signal has become the signal.
All noise all the time. I appreciate how Friday Forward is thoughtful signal with no noise.
I completely agree with you. Curiously, I referred to your Epictetus quote in my book! There is a lack of common courtesy everywhere. It is actually a welcome surprise when we see it but it should not be regarded as a rarity or some peculiar anachronism.
I like your post in general. But I have to say that every time I go to substack to modify a subscription I hunt around for several minutes looking for where to do it. Most of the time I end up re-googling how to do it. They actually don't make it easy.
And while I do lament the things you discuss (no excuse for rudeness to an individual writer) I think people are frustrated because every time they log into email there's hundreds of messages from people who want their money. Auto renewals of information and products have grown exponentially, sometimes get buried or go into spam. I put renewals on my calendar but still get caught so often that I've started avoiding subscriptions at all.
I like the article and recognize a lot. I think the difficulty with on-line communication is that it is difficult to really understand the intend or context. Of course this can be found by asking open questions as a reply. Just to ensure the actual first question or statement is fully understood. Even better to reply with a phonecall if possible.
Writing a furious reply only gives seconds of statisfaction and I have learnt the hard way to not hit the send button but have a night sleep over it. This has resulted in not sending the reply in almost 100% of the cases but take a more appropriate action.
Btw, I have used the quote often with my children😉