Friday Forward - Emotional Stunt (#457)

We need to set an example that encourages growth, not learned helplessness.

Disclaimer: This Friday Forward was written before Election Day and before any results were known.

No matter the outcome of this week’s United States presidential election, we can be certain a large portion of the U.S. will have to accept that their preferred candidate lost. And yet, while emotions will be running high and agitators may attempt to stir unrest, the vast majority of Americans will still go about their daily lives, no matter who wins. They’ll do this simply because they must—life goes on.

This fact of life, however, will not apply for a small group of elite students at New York’s Ethical Culture Fieldston School, where tuition runs about $65,000 annually.

Last week, Fieldston administrators informed parents that no homework would be assigned the night before the election, and that on Wednesday (or whenever the results were finalized), students distressed by the outcome would be permitted to skip school. The school also committed to providing emotional support to any students struggling with the results.

At first, I thought this report was a parody, but I quickly confirmed its veracity. In fact, it appears this coddling is a broader trend, as Georgetown University’ McCourt School for Public Policy is reportedly providing self-care suites with legos, hot cocoa and coloring books for upset students.

As someone who doesn’t align with either American political party, I’ve made an effort this election cycle to listen to and understand the motivations of voters on both sides. Generally, a significant number of Americans vote for the candidate whose policies will have a tangible impact on their day-to-day lives. For some, that impact might mean the closure of a plant or the loss of a job; for others, access to healthcare or education could be on the line. Choices are often not about identity or values, but survival.

I recently heard a podcast whose host suggested that choosing a candidate based solely on values or party affiliation is a privilege—a luxury afforded to those who would not face direct, personal consequences of the policies of either potential administration. This struck a chord with me.

With that perspective, consider the message Fieldston is sending to some of the most privileged kids in the country: if the election doesn’t go the way they hope, they’re entitled to retreat and hide from their responsibilities. If these children are in a school environment where they are coddled whenever they face a challenge, how will they ever learn to cope with adversity or build resilience? How can we expect these students to avoid falling into a damaging state of learned helplessness that will hurt them throughout their lives?

One frustrated Fieldston parent summarized it best to a reporter, “To encourage [students] to buckle—this is the lesson they are providing, for ungodly sums of money.”

There will be millions of Americans who will want nothing more than to take a day off when the election results are sealed. However, those same Americans will instead get up, go to work and push through their disappointment or devastation. They’ll do this because there are people counting on them to show up—whether it’s a family they’re providing for, or an organization that needs their contribution to keep running.

Young people would be better served by being required to do the same: to confront disappointment, focus on what they can control, and build resilience. These are principles any competent psychologist would recommend over policies that endorse running, hiding, or using external circumstances as an excuse for otherwise unacceptable behavior.

Plus, the election outcome will likely have minimal direct impact on these students: children of celebrities or affluent families able to spend $65,000 per year for private schooling. These kids already have access to extensive resources, including teachers, coaches, and therapists. I would also bet that, despite those advantages, these students have higher rates of anxiety and depression than their peers with fewer resources and more hardships.

As parents, teachers, and leaders, we must ask ourselves: Are we truly equipping the next generation to face life’s challenges and to build bridges that overcome entrenched political polarization?  Resilience is not built by running away from adversity. We need to set an example that encourages growth, not learned helplessness, and to help young people develop the strength they’ll need to navigate an unpredictable world.

This week, do the opposite of what this school has gotten so wrong; consider one small action you can take to model resilience for those around you, whether that’s embracing a difficult conversation, accepting a setback, or simply showing up when it’s hard.

Quote of The Week

"There’s absolutely nothing you can control other than showing up and doing your job.” - Tituss Burgess

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