Friday Forward - Breakup Dissonance (#498)
Putting a name to one of the most common phenomena in life and business
A few years ago, I was on a podcast discussing leadership and hard conversations. I shared something I’d witnessed repeatedly in my career: an awkward sequence of behavior that happens when a leader realizes a member of their team, someone they genuinely like, isn’t working out and will need to be managed out.
Almost always, this sequence leads to the same conclusion.
Instead of confronting the issue head-on or having a candid conversation, the leader begins to emotionally detach from the employee. They stop inviting the person to brainstorming meetings. They reduce their responsibilities. Their one-on-ones become short formalities, with hardly any personal chatting. Subconsciously, the leader is trying to make the employee out to be the villain, or at least unlikable enough to justify what comes next.
I’ve observed this so many times and discussed it in writing and interviews, but I never had a name for it. I’m officially calling it Breakup Dissonance.
Breakup Dissonance: The internal conflict that arises when a leader's positive personal feelings toward a team member clash with evident professional underperformance. Most often, the leader will unconsciously devalue the relationship to justify the difficult decision to part ways.
Breakup Dissonance branches off from a broader psychological principle: cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance describes the discomfort we feel when we hold two opposing beliefs at once. In this case: I really like this person and I need to let this person go because they aren’t performing. That tension is very hard for our brains to reconcile, so we look for a way out.
In the situation above, the leader will subconsciously convince themselves they never liked the employee that much, or that they’ve changed, or that they somehow brought this upon themselves.
This makes the hard act of dismissing the person feel easier by resolving the dissonance and letting us avoid a painful truth. This pattern isn’t limited to the workplace. It shows up in friendships, in romantic relationships, and even with family.
Of course, while this may feel easier in the short-term, it is not healthy in the long-term. The employee is left completely blindsided and hurt that their beloved leader not only has let them go, but has also treated them coldly on their way out the door. The relationship is usually ruined.
But there’s a better way.
It’s something I call Relational Integrity.
Relational Integrity: The practice of honoring a positive relationship while confronting hard truths. You hold both your care for the person and your responsibility to hold them accountable for their performance.
Relational Integrity doesn’t mean sugarcoating or avoiding decisions. It means being honest: using the strength of the relationship as a foundation for a difficult but respectful conversation.
Imagine a leader sitting down with a team member and saying:
“Taylor, it seems like sales might not be the right fit for you. We both know we can’t continue having you on the sales team hitting only 50% of quota quarter after quarter. I care about you and want to have an honest conversation about what comes next and how I can support you. That might mean looking at another role here or helping you explore something externally.”
That conversation is uncomfortable, but at least it’s direct and acknowledges the person’s humanity. And it often preserves the personal relationship, even if the outcome is a professional parting of ways.
How something ends often shapes how we remember the entire experience. When we handle personal or professional breakups with maturity and grace, we leave the door open to future connection and opportunity. We also build trust with those watching how we navigate these moments, including our teams, peers, and communities.
The next time you’re facing the Breakup Dissonance of a hard conversation with someone you care about, resist the urge to emotionally withdraw or demonize the person. Instead, lean into the relationship. Acknowledge the issue. And remind yourself that not everything works out, even with good people.
Sometimes it’s time to move on. However, it’s always best to do that with honesty and compassion, in a way that attempts to preserve trust and respect the relationship.
Quote of The Week
“Speak the truth, but ride it with love.” – Proverb
Have a great weekend!
-Bob
robertglazer.com
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Happy Friday!
Perfect timing! I am going through this right now with an employee and have been catching myself becoming emotionally withdrawn and wondering how to navigate the next steps with this person. Thank you.