Friday Forward - Super Villain (#504)
When you meet the walking anthesis of your core values
Last week, I was a guest on The Greg McKeown Podcast. Greg is the author of Essentialism, an excellent book that emphasizes the importance of tuning out everything but the most essential things in life.
Unsurprisingly, our conversation gravitated toward core values, which are deeply tied to Greg’s essentialist philosophy. After all, you cannot focus only on the essentials if you don’t have clarity on what matters to you most.
At one point, I gave Greg a framework that’s often helpful when I coach people through clarifying their values. It’s something I call the anti-value test: a trait is probably a core value for you if the opposite of that characteristic drives you crazy. Because a core value is, definitionally, a non-negotiable principle, anything that violates that value feels uncomfortable. And given that these negative experiences are often flashbulb memories, we can easily recall them.
Greg immediately resonated with the idea. I asked him to think about an interaction in his life when he felt deeply uncomfortable, or even angered, by someone else’s behavior. Without hesitation, he vividly and passionately recalled a specific interaction and described in detail why it bothered him.
It was clear the example Greg shared was a violation of one of his core values. But as we unpacked the experience and started to identify Greg’s core values, we were both surprised to discover that the memory Greg shared had actually represented the antithesis of not just one, but three of those values. All three had been violated in a single short interaction, so it made perfect sense that the memory had stuck with Greg for years.
This is why the anti-value test is so helpful. We tend to feel our core values most strongly when they’re violated, and those painful moments hold the clues to finding our deepest principles.
Over the years, I’ve made a habit of testing people’s values in a similar way. Once I think I’ve zeroed in on one of a person’s core values, I’ll create a fictional character that represents the opposite of that value and describe them in detail.
Then I will ask, “What if you were stuck talking to this person at a party?”
Most of the time, they don’t even need to respond. The immediate discomfort or pain on their face tells me everything I need to know.
If the person I’m working with has clarity on all their core values, I will add some extra spice by imagining a character who represents the opposite of all of those values. That’s the person’s super villain: the living, breathing opposite of who they are and what they stand for.
In these cases, the reactions are even more profound with more physical wincing or cringing. The body answers before the brain finds the words.
But what was remarkable about Greg’s case is I didn’t even need to invent his super villain. The example Greg shared with me was his real-life super villain, the walking antithesis of several core values, for reasons that were quite deep once we explored them.
If you want to identify what I refer to as actionable core values, try the anti-value test. Think back to a time when someone’s actions made your skin crawl, not because they were obviously immoral, but because they just instinctively felt wrong to you. What was it about their behavior that struck a nerve? What does the opposite of that behavior look like?
For instance, if you feel your blood boil when you see someone being extremely ungrateful, your core value might relate to the opposite trait: gratitude. If you can’t stand to see someone being dependent or needy, you might value the inverse: independence or self-reliance. Your value is probably an actionable phrase expressing that one-word theme.
With this clarity, you might also think about a real person in your life who demonstrates these qualities. Is this someone you try to avoid, or someone whose presence consistently drains your energy? Maybe now you realize why.
When we get clear on what our “super villain” looks like, we don’t just gain clarity on who we want to be; we understand who we want to avoid becoming. Core values can also help us recognize when we’re in the wrong environment, or why a certain relationship just feels off.
It’s easy to name aspirational values. It’s harder, but far more revealing, to name the ones that surface when something strikes a nerve. Often, that’s where the real insight lives.
Quote of The Week
“Values aren’t taught, they’re caught—usually in the moments that test them.” – Roy E. Disney
Have a great weekend!
-Bob
robertglazer.com
Love it! I also follow Greg and read his books. When doing my core values clarification, the super Villain example was the most useful. I experience it all the time. Just recently, I meet someone that kept blaming others, not taking any accountability. That violates one of my core values: Own it! Accountability starts with me. I own my fulfillment, my destiny.
If a core value is selflessness, that person may need to learn how to do some self care, in other words, to include herself in her circle of care and to be self responsible. Psychologically, one must integrate the opposites vs splitting the opposites, identifying with one exclusively and projecting the other onto the Bad Bunny. We have too much splitting going on in the world and must come to know our own shadow and take responsibility for it.