Friday Forward - Not Guilty (#468)
Most of us are carrying feelings that don’t belong to us
Many people struggle to set and enforce boundaries in both their personal and professional lives. This feels harder than ever today, thanks in part to the “always-on” world of social media and digital communications.
Often, this struggle stems from a misplaced sense of guilt. How often have you heard someone say they feel “guilty” about another person’s feelings? It seems our sense of guilt is increasingly tied to other people’s feelings, rather than to our own actions.
I’ve been rethinking this notion of guilt entirely after hearing an insightful interview Dr. Becky Kennedy gave on the Tim Ferriss Show.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, widely known as "Dr. Becky," is a clinical psychologist, parenting expert, and author of the #1 New York Times bestselling book Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. She has built a devoted following on social media, where her compassionate, practical, and insightful videos empower parents with effective strategies, making her a trusted name for millions of families.
Given Ferriss is not a parent and has never really discussed parenting on his show, I was intrigued to hear his conversation with Dr. Becky. As it turned out, the discussion explored how so many parenting struggles have strong parallels to the interpersonal challenges we have in other areas of life, and how certain tactics can help us in all those domains. This connection of looking at parenting through a leadership lens is actually the topic of the book I am writing now.
During the discussion, Dr. Becky shared that most people don’t totally understand the meaning of guilt, an assertion that changed my view on the topic entirely. Dr. Becky posited that true guilt arises when we act out of alignment with our own values, but we often use the word guilt to describe something very different: the emotional discomfort we feel when our values-aligned decision triggers an emotional response from others. In these moments, we’re not experiencing genuine guilt; instead, we’re absorbing someone else’s emotions and blurring the line between their feelings and our own.
Here’s a parenting example Dr. Becky shared: imagine you tell your child before entering a toy store that you won’t be buying anything, which is a decision aligned with your values. When your child becomes upset, you might express that you feel guilty. But in reality, you haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve simply taken on your child’s disappointment, which belongs on their side of the emotional line. Their feelings are understandable and valid, but they are not yours to carry or fix.
Notably, Dr. Becky pointed out that when you assume responsibility for someone else’s feelings, you actually lose the ability to empathize with them. Empathy requires standing beside someone, not absorbing their emotions. When you do the latter, you’re inadvertently making the situation about you, not the other person.
This guilt principle extends well beyond parenting. For example, if a team member doesn’t receive a promotion that you’re certain they aren’t ready for, you might feel bad if they are disappointed. But taking on their disappointment doesn’t help either of you; instead, it prevents you from offering constructive support, perspective and feedback to help them earn the step up in the future.
Dr. Kennedy also shared a personal example of the same phenomenon—one that will resonate with most people. She has occasionally had to decline a request to visit from her parents during particularly hectic times. While her parents were understandably disappointed by the decision, she ultimately recognized that her choice was aligned with her values and priorities. By appreciating her parents’ feelings without absorbing them, she avoided the trap of pseudo-guilt and maintained clarity about her boundary.
Making a distinction between genuine guilt and absorbing others’ emotions has implications both for leadership and personal growth. When we make values-based decisions, we shouldn’t allow our respect for the other person’s feelings to affect our confidence in our decision. Blurring emotional boundaries is natural, but it doesn’t help anyone in the end.
What feelings are you carrying that don’t belong to you? How might your relationships, at home or at work, change if you stopped taking responsibility for emotions that aren’t yours to bear?
Quote of The Week
"Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” - Prentis Hemphill
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I like this perspective and think it's easy to understand. I also like Dr. Laura Schlessinger's perspective on guilt. She says that guilt is applicable if you do something immoral or illegal. Simply feeling bad because you disappointed someone isn't guilt.
I never looked at guilt through this lens before - a lightbulb moment for me as a leader, especially as someone who struggles with self-doubt on a regular basis. The absorption of others feelings can pile onto that self-doubt even more. I will be looking up more of Dr. Becky's work. Thank you for sharing this great insight!