Friday Forward - Feeling Accountable (#497)
This simple but powerful principle applies to all facets of life
Recently, I was listening to a podcast interview between Mel Robbins and Dr. Aliza Pressman, the developmental psychologist who authored The 5 Principles of Parenting.
When asked by Robbins for one of her parenting mantras, Dr. Pressman’s response was so great that I paused the podcast and wrote it down:
“All feelings are welcome, but not all behaviors are.”
This is a simple but powerful principle, one that applies not only to raising children, but also to how we navigate workplaces, relationships, and leadership situations.
The mantra affords an important duality: we can hear and validate any emotion someone is experiencing, without endorsing the behavior they use to express it. No one should tell us what to feel, but we still are responsible for the actions we take as a result of those feelings.
When they’re angry, some people throw things, scream at people, or post inflammatory comments online. Others might take a walk, go for a run, or go into an empty room and scream into a pillow to blow off steam. The emotion may be equally strong in all these cases, but the outlets are notably different. We should not pretend that all responses are equal or justified by our underlying feelings.
This balance feels particularly relevant today, when we often gravitate toward extreme responses to emotions. On one end, there are environments where people are told, directly or indirectly, that their feelings do not matter. This breeds resentment, shuts down dialogue, and leaves people feeling that speaking up is wrong, which can cause them to withdraw. On the other extreme, there are spaces where people are encouraged to “speak their truth” or “express themselves” without limits, especially as feelings spill over into action. Without clear boundaries, expression can quickly shift into something toxic or even harmful.
In parenting, this might look like letting a child express their disappointment over a rule but not allowing them to hit a sibling or slam a door. In leadership, it could mean creating a culture where employees feel safe voicing concerns, while also making it clear that personal attacks, open insubordination, or public undermining of colleagues will not be tolerated. In both instances, people need to also understand that frustration with a rule or policy doesn’t mean it will, or should, change. Sometimes, the policy one person wants to change is actually favored by the other 99 percent of the group. Being able to keep our emotions from driving harmful behavior is at the heart of both maturity and personal responsibility. Everyone wants to feel heard, but that does not mean we get to say or do whatever we want without any accountability.
I have seen the damage when this balance tips too far in either direction. In overly restrictive environments, people shut down and disengage. Innovation and trust erode because speaking up feels unsafe. In overly permissive environments, standards crumble, respect fades, and people begin to mistake self-expression for a free pass on behavior. Over time, this erodes trust, weakens the social fabric of the group, and causes a deterioration in public perception.
A healthy community, be it a family, a company, or a society, requires a shared understanding that both validation and boundaries matter. You can acknowledge that what someone is feeling is real even if you disagree, while also making it clear that consistent standards of behavior still apply.
“All feelings are welcome” invites empathy. “Not all behaviors are” enforces responsibility. When combined, as Dr. Pressman does, they are a foundation for good parenting, strong leadership, and a more harmonious society.
In a time when many of us lean too far toward either suppressing feelings or excusing poor behavior, it is worth examining which side you are on and how you might move closer to the middle.
Quote of The Week
“Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.” – Jonatan Mårtensson
Have a great weekend!
-Bob
robertglazer.com
Check Out The Better Leader Newsletter
Emotions are integral to our human constitution . It could be voluntary or involuntary .
Behavior is a determined choice based on our volitional capacity , making us responsible and accountable .
Another great articulation of a simple truth underlying healthy relationships! Thank you. It’s important for parents and leaders who are afraid to acknowledge and validate difficult emotions to learn that empathy is not endorsement. You can and should accommodate the unbidden nature of feelings while being clear about which behaviors are okay and which are not okay to use in this family or team. Behaviors are a choice even for young children and certainly for adults. This makes it essential to teach children (and the adults who “missed the memo” in their childhood 🤣) how to make a behavior choice in the space between stimulus and response - sometimes called the “Victor Frankl space.”